WeHo Emergency Services & The Fight Against Zombies

What does it take to apprehend a staggering freak at 3:30 am?

If you live in West Hollywood, the answer is 6 sheriffs, 2 ambulance driver EMTs, 4 firefighters, 1 pumper engine, 1 EMT truck, and 1 ambulance.

The only item missing was a helicopter.

Some freak last night around 3:30 am was staggering around, falling into my car and leaning on my fence. I was giddy for a moment because he looked and acted and sounded EXACTLY LIKE A ZOMBIE! The zombie invasion had finally begun! I quickly snapped 16 cartridges into my 12 gauge riot-grip shotgun, and rubbed my hands in gleeful zombie-killing anticipation.

My wife suggested maybe I should call the WeHo sheriff station, as a precaution, and if he turned out to be a zombie I'd get plenty of chances for video game violence later on.

The first sheriff vehicle, a prowler, rolled up 5 minutes later, with 2 burly sheriffs. Then 5 minutes later, a second prowler with 1 officer rolled up. Moments later, an SUV Suburban sheriff rolled in. Things were still relatively quiet at this point. My neighbors could still sleep.

Then the whole street lit up like a disco as a pumper fire engine with all its lights blazing came skronking down the street, that thirsty diesel motor creating a hard to ignore basso profundo rumbling. The fire engine was quickly followed by a paramedic truck with its lights flashing, and a lowly ambulance with its lights flashing too.

Since I live in swinging West Hollywood, it's surprising that we all didn't seize this opportunity to have an impromptu street party rave.

Evidenly my zombie hometurkey friend had smacked his head, either through a fight, falling down, or trying to claw through boarded up windows to eat the brains of those helpless few humans remaining alive. We'll never know.

They strapped him to a gurney, immobilized his neck and wheeled him away at 4:14 am. Almost 45 minutes of disco light emergency vehicles on my street for one zombie.

It made me wonder if these responders are on a flat, or if they get paid for each call they respond to and arrive on scene? The huge firefighter/cop/paramedic party would indicate the latter. My thought was, if the 2 original sheriffs had just stuck the zombie in the back of their car and raced him to an emergency room, he would have been there in 5 minutes. Instead, he was injured and had to wait 45 minutes.

And that's why, ladies and gentlemen, you don't want armies of homeless in your city, zombie or not. When they take ill or get injured, it's your city services who ride in to the rescue. A simple ambulance ride costs a couple thousand dollars, and you can bet your zombie-lovin' ass that this guy did not foot the bill: we did, as taxpayers.

Believe me, I want a robust emergency response team in my town. I want those cops to show up in under 5 minutes if I need them. But 6 vehicles and a dozen personnel are not cheap.

There is a homeless outreach center about 6 blocks away. This whole population of homeless was moved east of La Brea Blvd. a few years ago when the Target/Best Buy complex was built on the corner of Santa Monica and La Brea. You can drive by and visit with them all day long no Willoughby and Sycamore, they wait all day for the food wagons to show up.

This is turning into a screed against the homeless, which is not the intention. Just remember that when you support any program for the homeless that does not seek to end their homelessness, you're just making things worse for them and for the area they are in. My neighborhood last night forked over about $8000 to take a man in and get him treatment.

There are many programs that seek to get the homeless off the streets, but here's the thing you don't hear very often: many of them refuse. They refuse because these shelters and programs have a no drugs/no alcohol policy. They also refuse because many are convicted sex offenders. Here's one story from the LA Times, and here's another from the LA Chronicle.

You will notice the tone of indignation in these articles concerning the "injustice" of having convicted sex offenders refused access to apartments. Who wouldn't want a child rapist living near them? One such bonehead, Terry Brown, feels that these sex offenders are now victims and have "paid their debts to society." Really? You had better go ask sme victims' rights groups, or support groups of molested children about that. Take a minute to actually learn about sex offenders/rapists/molesters and their behaviours, and how you can protect yourself, here, from the Be A Child's Hero Network.

You can also bet your sweet ass that at 3:30 am when a big fat dude, over 6 feet tall and around 275 pounds, standing shirtless in your yard, undoing his belt, groaning like a zombie and flailing against your car, you are going to have second thoughts about lax homeless policies.

Many other homeless persons are recently released ex-convicts, with no one in their family or friends network willing to take them in. Here's an editorial from the LA Business Joural and quote therein:

THERE is very little that's uplifting about L.A.'s chronic poor - a category that includes those Angelenos, many of them homeless, who are unwilling or unable to find stable employment. They are often mentally ill or substance abusers or ex-convicts or gang members or all of the above. Their presence in a neighborhood often prompts merchants and homeowners to look for ways to shoo them away.

Now that this guy is in custody, do you think he will get the help he needs? According to statistics, he will not. It is unlawful to hold someone against their will, even if for psychiatric evaluation. Even if this man is homeless, they will just let him walk out the front doors. There is no treatment to follow up on, no case officer to check on him, no one advocating to get him off the streets.

If you care, search for groups in your area that aim to end homelessness, not enable it.

I know what you're thinking: there was absolutely no evidence that this man was anything but a person staggering around in a daze. Maybe he got jumped? Automatically I have assumed from his demeanor and dress that he is homeless, and from his semi-clad state I deduced he was a sex offender. You are correct on all counts.

However, the man tried to tell the cops he was visiting a friend on my street and kept pointing to the house where an English director, his wife and 2 small children live. In other words, he was full of shit. He was coherent enough to speak when the cops shined lights in his face, and I wish I could have heard his explanation for what was going on (loud firetruck!) We have also had homeless people taking shits in the driveway next door, trying to break in to houses, and have had sex workers transact "business" at the end of our street, leaving the spent condoms on the ground like calling cards.

You gotta start somewhere. I draw the line well before my house.

And when the zombie invasion really happens, aim for the head.

Al Gore Wins Nobel Peace Prize

The Bush administration sure look a bunch of cunts now, don't they? The people inside that Oval Office are the only ones left debating whether global warming is "real." Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize, announced Friday, and his championing of this cause is a major factor.

The fact that should not be ignored is that Gore has been a tireless, lifelong champion of the environment, and was banging on about global warming before he was even in the Clinton White House.

What next, for Gore? Will he run for President and lively up the political scene? Speculations here, from LA Times.